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Woe Is I: The Grammarphobe's Guide to Better English in Plain English.
Patricia T. O'Conner. NY: Riverhead Books, 2003. 240pp. $19.95. ISBN 1- 57322-252-6
by Jessica Mocle, Northern New England Chapter
We've all been there: staring at black text on a white screen, sweat beading down the backs of our necks, fingers trembling slightly over the keyboard… "Should I use that or which? Does the period go inside the quotation mark, or outside? Is a semicolon actually a gastrointestinal disorder, or what?" Grammar is hard. So, for those of us who are occasionally paralyzed by fear when confronted with it's or its, relief comes in the form of Patricia T. O'Conner's lively book, Woe Is I: The Grammarphobe's Guide to Better English in Plain English.
O'Conner's book is a fun, lighthearted tour of the wacky, wild world of grammar. Coming in at 240 pages, Woe Is I is a thorough examination of the morass that is the English language. Each of its eleven chapters is full of clever wit that elucidates both the obvious and subtle hang-ups of written English. The book contains all of the content you'd expect to find in any grammar reference work: The rundown on pronouns (Chapter 1), the mysteries of singular versus plural nouns (Chapter 2), how to decipher possessives (Chapter 3), verb conjugation (Chapter 4), common problems with punctuation (Chapter 6), and dangling participles (Chapter 7).
However, the remaining chapters of the book really set Woe Is I apart from the rest of the grammar tomes on your reference shelf. Chapter five, titled "Verbal Abuse," offers up a list of words that are commonly misused in language today. Alanis Morisette should have had a copy of Woe Is I handy when she penned her 1995 pop hit, "Ironic." O'Conner specifically covers irony, deeming a situation ironic "when the result is the opposite… of what was intended" (85). Morisette claimed that "A black fly in your chardonnay" is ironic, but according to Woe Is I, such a sad state of affairs is merely unfortunate, not ironic. (For an amusing deconstruction of Morisette's song, visit http://www.mellowfellow.com/ironic.shtml). Aside from irony, Patricia O'Conner also clearly defines such commonly misused word pairs as beside/besides, assume/presume, and ingenious/ingenuous.
In Chapter eight, "Death Sentence: Do Clichés Deserve to Die?" O'Conner advocates the quick extermination of these diamonds in the rough, even though each and every one of them pushes the envelope, and supports meaningful dialogue amongst all the team players. Chapter nine addresses "The Living Dead," or all those old grammar rules that just don't work anymore. One such convention dictates that it's wrong to start a sentence with and or but. O'Conner refutes that antiquated argument by asserting, "It's been common practice to begin sentences with them since at least as far back as the tenth century. But don't overdo it, or your writing will sound monotonous" (185).
Chapter ten is a quick and dirty guide to achieving clarity in writing. Most of the guidelines are obvious, and, as such, quite easy to overlook in the heat of battle. My favorites include "say what you have to say," "stop when you've said it," "be direct," and "read with a felonious mind." I found the last guideline amusing: Patricia O'Conner advises the reader to pay attention to well-written material, decipher why it's effective, and then steal it. She concludes with, "Someday, others may be stealing from you" (204). While the ethical ramifications of stealing another writer's techniques are hazy, the underlying advice is sound. As a writer you always want to go with stuff that works, and paying attention to writing that excels is the first step.
Chapter eleven is unique to the 2003-revised edition of Woe Is I. Titled "E-Mail Intuition," the chapter contains grammar etiquette for the wired generation. Although most of us have a basic familiarity with the rules of email by now (always use a clear subject line, don't send a copy of your latest lame joke to all 314 people in your address book, and make sure to review your message before you send it), O'Conner does incorporate a few that are worth noting. She stresses the importance of always including salutations in your email, like "Hey, Piyusha!" and "Catch you later, Jess." She also admonishes the reader to be civil in email: use please and thank you, and never send a message when you're angry. A few tips that I've learned from my own experiences with email include addressing the message only after you've written it (to avoid accidental premature ejections), and never "reply to all" without first reviewing everyone on the distribution list. One point that I take umbrage with is O'Conner's condemnation of abbreviations and emoticons. While abbreviations like LMK (let me know) and TIA (thanks in advance) do have their place (instant messaging comes to mind), who can honestly say that they don't enjoy a good smiley every now and then? :-)
Throughout the book, O'Conner illustrates her grammatical concepts with short poems, which I found charming and instructive. My favorite piece occurs on Page 24, and advises the reader to treat words such as yes, no, and maybe like other nouns when it comes to making them into plurals. The poem is quoted here:
Words to the Whys
Ups and downs and ins and outs,
Forevers and nevers and whys.
Befores and afters, dos and don'ts,
Farewells and hellos and good-byes.
Life is a string of perhapses,
A medley of whens and so whats.
We rise on our yeses and maybes,
Then fall on our nos and our buts.
While the poetry and other instructional content is cleverly written and easy to understand, I do not recommend reading Woe Is I sequentially from start to finish. Unfortunately, due to a deep-seated aversion to grammar instilled early in childhood, I fell asleep every time I picked up the book for serious study. In my experience, the book is best consumed in small doses, or consulted for specific inquiries. I noticed another peculiar side effect of reading Woe Is I, aside from my grammatically induced narcolepsy. I discovered that when you're ignorant of your own grammatical shortcomings, writing is just that much easier. With increased knowledge comes increased paranoia, a caveat missing from O'Conner's book jacket synopsis, much to my dismay. Fortunately, along the way I realized the best way to overcome grammar anxiety is simply to read voraciously. The rules of grammar become ingrained as second nature when you read everything you can get your hands on, and your increased knowledge is inevitably expressed confidently in your writing. (It's also helpful to have a talented editor, but that's a subject for another day…)
In conclusion, Patricia T. O'Conner's Woe Is I is a worthwhile addition to your reference library. She seems to genuinely care about the use and evolution of the English language, and this concern shines though the pages of her book. O'Conner gains credibility when she admits that she's also sometimes insecure and uneasy when it comes to grammar. On Page 59 she confesses, "If there were a club for people who confuse may and might, I would be its president… I'm always using the search function on my computer to find may in my work, because it is so often wrong and should be might." As a writer with my own quirks and insecurities, I take some measure of solace that even a former editor at The New York Times Book Review and published author breaks out in a nervous sweat every once in a while. :-)