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Part Two of Two Parts
By Michael Stone
Contributed by Jackie Damrau. Revised and reprinted with permission.
Why is it so hard to forgive? Why can't we just tell the truth, make appropriate adjustments, let go of resentments and past disappointments, and learn from our mistakes? Given the impact on all levels of the organization and the community, it seems that organizational leaders would make forgiveness a priority.
One reason we do not practice forgiveness in the workplace is that we have very few examples or role models to teach us how to do it. Learning to practice forgiveness begins with learning how to forgive ourselves, the person we are usually the hardest on. It is only through demonstrating forgiveness towards us that we can teach it to others and begin creating a more forgiving culture. When we can embrace our own unique humanity, we authentically develop compassion towards others.
While the costs of not forgiving are great, the costs of forgiving are often perceived as greater. People base their underlying concerns on their fear of loss of face and/or loss of possession. Loss of face comes from a concern about what others will think of us if we fail and a fear of being embarrassed or rejected by others. Loss of possession is about protecting territory such as money, position, and property. Since we usually view our life as our ultimate possession, this includes the fear of being hurt physically and emotionally or in some way having our self-image (character) assassinated. These concerns are present to some degree for all of us. An effective leader learns to recognize and forgive them before they turn into conflict or growing resentments that begin the downward spiral of alienation and discontent.
"What we need to forgive in others may be something in ourselves that we have hidden from our awareness." A Course in Miracles
Besides these underlying concerns, we find that it is safer not to talk with people about the things that they have done which have upset us and for which we carry our resentments. It is more comfortable holding onto our grievances than confronting others. Our judgments keep us safe and separate so that we don't have to deal with our own possible contribution to what we are having difficulty forgiving, or we might be avoiding similar actions and attitudes in ourselves. When we point our finger at others, we don't have to look at ourselves and what we haven't been able to forgive in ourselves.
Another reason that we don't forgive is the fear that forgiving might be seen as a message that we accept the behavior, which leads to future reoccurrences. So we dwell on the unwanted behavior of the other person and withhold ourselves from him or her as punishment for his or her wrongdoings, a constant reminder to never do that again in the future. We fail to realize that holding on to our anger or resentment to punish another is creating a prison of our own pain, isolation, and alienation.