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The age-old riddle of "Why did the chicken cross the road?" has now baffled even the government. We all have our suppositions for why that crazy fowl crossed the road. The funniest piece of e-mail that I recently received from a dear friend (who claims this information is public domain) shows how certain divisions of the U.S. Navy have chosen to answer this riddle about chicken crossings. Read on:
Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with basic road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy, chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion/advancement.
Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as "roads."
Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Pacific Fleet (CINCPACFLT): The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of COMSEVENTHFLT (Commander, U.S. Seventh Fleet) and did not CHOP to the operational theater on the other side of the road. Without Chopping, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
Fleet Intelligence Center, Pacific (FICPAC): Chicken? What chicken? Do you have proof of this?
Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM): The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.
Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWARSYSCOM): The "stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with a multi-function, supported, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class chicken to warriors and supporting elements, enabling them to dominate the roads of today and tomorrow, as we move "Forward...From the Sea." Comptroller General holds and corporate taxes, however, will require delay fielding for two years, unless Congressional plus-ups are approved.
Naval Sea Systems Command's (NAVSEASYSCOM) Chicken Systems Program Office (Code PMS400CSPO): In a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. The CSPO helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission. However, the actual crossing of the road has not occurred due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.
Should we petition the Department of Transportation for a new road sign? More interesting, though, is to challenge us to rewrite these verbose answers to plain, simple prose. Why not write in and see how we can help the U.S. Navy shorten the length of its answers.